It's Michelle not Mysshele

Confession: People who name their kids crazy names really annoy me.

I am sure that you all heard the story by now of a New Jersey child named Adolph Hitler, whose parents had a difficult time finding someone who would decorate a cake for his birthday. This got me to thinking about names that people give their children. While we could debate for years whether or not it is the constitutional right of the parents to name their son anything that they want, and the constitutional right of a store to refuse to decorate a cake with language that they deem "offensive", that is not what this post is about. This post is about baby names. I feel like I would be hard pressed to find too many people who think that Adolf Hitler is a good name for your newborn son. At least, I hope that I would be. You see, I have naming issues.

I've never been partial to names that can somehow be shortened to unwelcome nicknames. So, during the naming process of each of my children, I had to be extra selective. We had to meet certain criteria. The names each had to somehow represent the names of a deceased relative. Usually this is done by beginning the first name of the child with the first name of the deceased relative. We also had to come up with something that we could both agree on. And, in my case, something that could not be shortened to a nickname. I realized that I loved the names Jessica, Rebecca, and Jaqueline, but was too afraid of the not so beloved Jessie, Becky, and Jackie. Scratch those. And sorry to all the Beckys, Jackies, and Jessies of the world.

As time wore on and the naming process wore on, and on, and oh yes on some more, I realized two things- I am going to have to write this child's name roughly a gazillion time in my lifetime- and that other people were going to have to read it a gazillion times in theirs. I needed to be considerate to them as well. To help myself out with the writing part, I decided on a short and sweet six letter girls name that I felt could not be shortened or altered. By the way I was wrong. People in their infinite laziness will find a way to shorten the name Lee. "Hey L, how's it going today"? So, with my second child we went with an even shorter and less likely to be shortened five letter name. And finally with our third, the boy, we gave him a very big, little, four letter name. Rest assured that if there were ever to be a fourth child in the future, the names Sue, Lou, and Jen would be passed around for consideration. And I shudder to think of the naming possibilities for any subsequent children. To help with the reading part, I decided that I would not name them anything that could be too easily misspelled or mispronounced. No kids want to spend his or her entire school career saying, "No it's pronounced KAY LEE". Of course when you spell the name Kaaleighe, what do you expect.

So, I guess you could say that trendy and UNEEK spellings have never been my thing. I like to call a Mary a Mary, not a Mayree. I like to call a Trevor a Trevor and not a Trevverre. Sue me. I once knew someone who named there daughter Jacqueline, and spelled it Jakklinne. I am not lying. Why would you do this to your child? And then there are combo names. If your short list for girls names consists of Brianna, Samantha, and Alexis, it is not okay to create the name Samanbrexis. It's just not. Man up. Pick a name. If needed have two more kids, but don't make the rest of us, not to mention your poor kids suffer.

And then there is the initial factor. You may not think it will matter in the long run, but if your last name is Singer and you name your child Andrew Simon, the kids initials will be ass. Don't think for a minute that it will go unnoticed. This goes for the pairing of first and last names as well. If your last name is Dover, do not under any circumstances name your son Ben. The teasing that poor little Ben Dover will have to endure in his lifetime will only hurt you in the long run.

Gender neutral names can cause similar issues. Think them through wisely. There's a reason traditionally girls names have been traditionally for girls. And when you name your little boy Peyton or Skyler and little Peyton comes home for the 12th time having had his lunch money stolen and his underpants pulled up around his neck, you'll have no one to blame but yourself. Sure, you'll want to blame the parents of the bully for not teaching them right. You'll want them to pay the price for not having taught them tolerance and acceptance, and you'll be justified. But, there's no denying the personal culpability that you have in this matter. It all could have been nipped in the bud if you'd have just named the kid Billy. And that is Billy, not Byllee.

If you have any question that people can and will name their child just about anything, and the case of little Adolph Hitler didn't give you enough proof, I give you an actual and factual list of some of 2008's best crazy names. Enjoy.

P.S. Celebrity baby names do not count. Sadly in our society it is perefectly acceptable to names your child Pilot Inspektor or Moxie Crimefighter, as long as you have a t.v. show or hit song. Hell, these kids will never have to function in society anyway, right?

Some of my favorite heinous spellings and butchered namings of last year:
Nixavier- Perhaps for someone who was very conflicted about choosing this name.
Hannaniah- Maybe this was just an n key that got stuck?
Prynceton- Simply naming your child after an ivy league school, does not guarantee admittance.
Heiress- Undoubtedly this child doesn't have a dime to her name.
Hawke- Why the 'e'? Creativity? Naming your kid Hawk isn't enough?
Pretty Girl- No, I am not making this shit up.
Byrch- Your kid is not a tree, nuff said.
Innocence- I'll be taking bets later as to whether she becomes a stripper or porn star.