Confession: Sometimes I wish I could just pack up all of my things and sneak away in the middle of the night.
Before you judge me for being a terrible abandoning mother, I should tell you that I am taking my family with me in this scenario. This isn't that kind of confession. At least I haven't gotten to that point yet.
Maybe you were here yesterday when I posted a completely lame repost that had been done about 10 months ago. I know it was lame. But, that is where my head seems to be these days, in lame repost land. I have been going through the same motions day in and day out for as long as I can remember now. Not exactly a life that makes for exciting reading. I do the same things, follow the same path, drive the same drive, day in and day out, all the time. There is no doubt that my soul craves change. It always does. But, what changes can we make, do we make, when we have a family, small children to care for? When we want them to have stability and security in their lives?
I'd been thinking a lot about moving from the community we live in. It's always just a thought. It's never been discussed with any degree of seriousness, and it's not really a possibility for us right now anyway. But sometimes I feel like I don't really fit in here. Then again, sometimes I don't feel like I fit in anywhere. I feel like I am a little more laid back then the other parents that I know. I feel like my interests are different. I feel like I want different things for my family than they do. Different values. Different lessons to be learned. And then there is the issue of diversity.
Is it always better to be yourself even if it means exposing yourself to potential prejudice and discrimination? Or is it better to hide who you really are to get along with the masses? Seems like a fairly simple answer, right? Okay, now what is the answer if you are seven years old?
For example, if you are an African American, you can not hide that part of who you are. Therefore you must deal with any ignorance and prejudice that you may encounter among certain people. If you are say Christian, or gay, or a Republican, those are things that can be hidden from someone who may harbor ill will towards you because of it. So is it always best to show your true self and deal with the potential negative consequences?
My children are for the most part being raised Jewish. I was born to a Catholic mother and a Jewish father, a Catholic in the eyes of both religions. I was baptized. My husband was born to two Jewish parents, raised in a Jewish home, Bar Mitzvahed, the whole nine yards. My children attended a Jewish preschool. And although we celebrate Christmas, I think that we define them as being Jewish. While we are affiliated with a reform synagogue, where there are many interfaith families, we live in a neighborhood that has virtually no Jews. Philly? No Jews? South Jersey? No Jews? Crazy as it sounds, it is true. We seem to have picked the only Jewless area for miles around. There are maybe three Jewish kids in my daughters elementary school. Three. The whole school. Is it any wonder I worry about their religious/cultural identity? I certainly don't want them to live somewhere where everyone is just like them. On the contrary, I want them to live somewhere where there are people of all colors, all religions, all ethnicities. And here, where we live, I have to admit that I worry.
I worry about discrimination. I worry about what other parents have taught their children about other cultures and religions. I worry about ignorance, and intolerance. I worry that kids will question who she is. I worry that my already sensitive child will feel ostracized at some point because of who she is. So, I ask myself if all children go through this at some point because they are blond, or because they are poor, or because they don't have the right clothes or book bag? And mostly I wonder what my role as a parent is.
Do I run? Do I stay? Do I help her find her way? And can someone please tell me where this laid back, diverse, liberal, clean, green, safe community that I desire is? And can you send me a ticket to get there?
Friday, February 20, 2009
The Pretender
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16 comments:
Stay. Don't run. Let the reasons you move NOT include that you are moving to shelter your child. My children have experienced discrimination, but are too young to know it. It hurts and it makes me angry, but I am proud of who we are, and I wouldn't want them to think they have to run away from anyone, anything, or any place because of it. Build in them a sense of pride, give them knowledge, and they will overcome whatever life throws at them. And most importantly, don't let the ignorance of others create a prejudice in them.
This is an amazing post. It takes courage to tackle these issues.
I feel that it is best to be disliked for who you are than liked for faking being someone you are not. Do you really want to "fit in" with people who are so close-minded they cannot accept you are YOU? That cannot lead to anything good.
However, in a school environment, perhaps it is best to just lay low on some aspects. Children can be really mean, I know (have discussed bullying on my blog, too) - and we do want them to get along socially, because they spend quite a few hours in school every week, and that's a big part of their lives.
I can relate to that feeling of "not fitting in anywhere", but if you keep moving until you fit in, you could be moving again and again and again for a while. I found that I don't have to fit in where I live or where my daughter goes to school, but rather build my own network and let my kids build theirs so no matter what, you do have people you can turn to, talk to, be yourself with.
You will always meet someone who doesn't like you or doesn't accept you. But as long as you surround yourself with people who bring something positive to your life, then the rest doesn't matter. Let the losers dwell in their negativity - if they don't want you, they don't deserve you ;-)
I hear you!
I have never 'fit in' and have lived a very sheltered life. I hated being made fun of for being Christian, too tall,too short, too blonde, too smart... it doesn't matter where you go, kids will have that to deal with. It really sucks. I wish all parents could teach their kids not to discriminate. Sigh.
I worry too.
Hey Michelle
Your post made me sad, You need to come to Canada we are very diverse, we are very accepting.
We will give you a great big Welcome and a Bienvenue also! hehehe
Of course like every Metropolitan city we do have area where they are pockets people from the same ethnicity, but with that being said we all just gel together really well.
It's so nice :o)
Hey if you ever find it let me know :)
I know exactly how you feel! We recently moved to BFE, SC. I am Buddist in a very fundamental Christain community. The nearest temple is almost an hour away and I am the only one in our little town. My husband is Agnostic and we are raising our children with the ability to follow their own paths in life.
Our oldest is in high school. She has learned to turn conversations away from her religion or to nearly turn them away. Our two youngest are under the age of three. I do worry about them going to elementary school, where they go to church will constantly be brought up.
However, I am lucky enough to start staying home at the end of next month. So we are looking into homeschooling them. I truely love living where we can have two acres of land on a street with only two other homes and have a big garden and room for our three dogs to run and this summer getting chickens and goats. I just wish I didn't always feel like I have to hide my liberal, green living and child rearing to those around us.
How DID you find an anti-semitic community in that area? I had to laugh. I have family living in an almost exclusively Jewish community near you and their Grandmother has the same concern that they are not being raised around enough Gentiles. Lol.
Seriously why invite stress into your life? The world is too big a place to settle for a house somewhere that doesn't feel like home. Follow your gut.
We have lived in communities whereas, by geographical appointment, our sons have been Ambassadors Of The Jewish People. I once had a principal at our son's school tell me "I'm sorry you were offended." after he had asked for the students to "bow their head and pray" at a public chool Thanksgiving function held during the school day as an official activity with him there in his official capacity as principal. Offended me? No. Not offensive. Completely violated the 1st Amendment rights of every student in that room? Why yes. Yes he did!
But on the opposite end of the spectrum we've also experienced some phenominal pot luck parties where everyone brought in traditional foods and shared their holiday celebration traditions.
So as you can see, it's an entire bag of mixed blessings. : )
I don't have any suggestions for you, but I sympathize. We live in a very Christian area and are raising our girls Jewish. Our oldest isn't yet three, but we're already talking about whether there might be some way to swing tuition at the Jewish day school. I think if she could have a Jewish group of friends while she is young, she will gain the self-confidence to proudly be "other" later in life.
Came here from Twitter (and will be following you as soon as I get back on my computer where I'm logged in).
I grew up in a mixed faith, non-religious, but mostly ethnically Jewish family. I also grew up in a Roman Catholic neighborhood where there was lots of prejudice towards that. There was ONE other Jewish kid in my grade--but her family was "really" Jewish, so I'm not sure she really considered me to be "like" her anyway.
I've converted to Christianity as an adult.
I think, in general, it is better to grow up in mixed areas because everyone is a minority and on equal footing and has an opportunity to learn from each other. But we can't always choose where we live based on that...you have to do what is right for your family based on so many different factors.
No advice, really, but I feel ya.
I can't believe someone unfollowed you on Twitter for such a ridiculous reason! I live in the Bible Belt but we attend church VERY sporadically and I sometimes "worry" (silly) about that because my husband's family is very involved in their church.
My sister's husband's family is Jewish and they moved to Massachusetts and were non-practicing and actually joined an Episcopalian church and now my niece and nephew attend college here in the South and have never, as far as I know, been victims of any sort of judgmental attitude here or back home in the N.E.
I tend to agree with the last commenter, though...I think it's better for kids to be exposed to many religions, races, backgrounds.
OK...I'm a rambler. I'll shutup now. ;)
Hang in there and try not to get discouraged over one jerk on Twitter.
My family and I are devout Christians, but part of that means loving all of God's children, even those that don't think or believe the way I do. I am assuming that you had someone critisize your religion; I hope it wasn't in the name of my religion. Love is love and God's light shines on all of us.
That said, your article connects with me on other levels than just the religion. I tend to be very liberal thinking in an area chock full of conservative Republicans. Good people, but still people who don't think the way I do. Sometime I defend my beliefs, but sometimes I keep my mouth shut. You do start to wonder..."Is there something wrong with my opinion that no one seems to share it?"
Is the question not better phrased like this . . .
Are these other parents raising their kids with the same moral compass that I am???
If so, there will be no problem. If not, then you better think about change.
I recently moved my two teenage daughters from an all-girls-Catholic school to the public High School - simply because the parents there did not share my views on limiting the excesses of these girls.
You'll find what is right for you. . .
As your newest follower, I can appreciate where you are coming from. I say Don't run because you will find discrimination every where you go ...... unfortunately it is true. I say be strong and teach your children how to deal with the ignorance you have to deal with. You never know how you can reach people by being an example showing people how to live and behave properly. (as fun as that doesn't sound) lol
It's called Seattle, I can't wait to get back there. Seattle Mom Blogger's club, cultural diversity, racial diversity, religious diversity, room for everyone. Plus, the ocean. And culture, museums, and lots of coffee. Can it get any better?
Love the honest post, our kids are minorities here, too. I think it's a good thing in the long run, helps them distance themselves from societies woes a bit. but at times, yeah, it's hard.
Michelle,
It is very difficult and I so hear what you are saying.
I always cringe when people ask what religion are you raising your kids? It seems I never have the right answer or know the right answer. My husband is a devout Catholic with religious family. One day we should talk about this is greater detail. Right now I am just closing my eyes tight and hoping for the best.
Donna
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