The Real Blogger Shores Amazing Undercover Idol

I’m participating in an online blogger reality t.v. show. It’s actually not nearly as dumb, and only half as much of a pain in the ass as it sounds. It’s really rather funny. Think of it as “The Real World” but totally not real at all, in any way whatsoever. And most assuredly, none of us will get famous from it. Each of the participating bloggers will be taking turns advancing the storyline on their respective blogs. The setting is a fictional log mansion in Helena, Montana. Readers are encouraged to follow the storyline at each person’s site.

You probably should go here and here and here to read the first three “episodes” and get up to speed with what’s going on in the “house” thus far. Otherwise this next post you are about to read is going to make about as much as sense as Lady Gaga’s choices in awards show outfits. Feel free to leave comments at any and all of your stops. This could take a while dear readers, so bear with me, and please have fun with it! Check back often, visit the other blogs involved and follow along. This is the order we will be posting in:

The show’s host is Bob from Squatlo Rant

Sonia from LogAllot

Quincy from Thank, Q for Common Sense

Michelle W. from Mommy Confessions (That’s me y’all)

Michelle R. from Rantings of the Reckmonster

Lynn from Thoughts of A Randomista

Falen from Colorful Rants of A Fed Up Sista

Brandon from My Own Private Idaho

Alexandra from the Tsaritsa sez.

This is the story of 8 bloggers, picked to live in a house, and see what happens when bloggers stop being polite, and start getting real... Sorta.

Welcome to The Real Blogger Shore Amazing Undercover Idol.

Confession: I’m not really the homesick mommyblogger.

It's Day 3 in the mansion. So far, it's going okay...

Somehow the girls talked me into going to some backwoods bar last night, no thanks to Brandon and Q, who clearly tried to ditch us for greener pastures. Don't they know a mom of 3 with an opportunity to go to bed at 10:00 is not to be messed with? Still though, it wasn't half bad once they convinced me, You know, except for the whole, almost getting killed by a Paul Bunyan wannabe thing!

I hear someone coming. It sounds like Q. I smell the shrimp and fried chicken on him. "Hey girl, how you holding up?" he asked. "Well, except for holding my breath hoping the cops don't show up here today with a list of felony charges for us, I'm good." He added, "Squat called this morning. Seems Warren filled him in on our little adventure last night." "Was he pissed?", I asked. "Nah, but he did ask if he could get a copy of The Tsaritsa busting a move." "Well yeah, who wouldn't want that?", I said.

Just then we heard voices from down in the kitchen. We headed down to see Brandon and Reck chowing down on some breakfast. Sonia, Lynn and the rest of the gang had already retired to the living room to figure out what the hell 8 bloggers are going to do all day in Helena-freakin'-Montana. Q and I looked around. Where's the rest of the grub? Brandon guiltily looked around. "Oh great", I said. "You guys didn't even save us any breakfast?" "Aint that some shit", chimed in Q. "Come on girl, get Warren on the phone. We're firing up that limo and we're gonna find that damn IHOP I was talking about!"

As we headed towards the door, I could hear Falen say, "damn, I thought she was at least gonna clean up the dishes before she left."

Why the hell does everyone already expect me to clean up all the time? Just because I'm the mommy? ‘Cause I didn’t sign on to be anyone’s momma here. As a matter of fact, I’m still not quite sure why I did sign on. If I wanted to clean up after people, I could’ve stayed home. Shit, this dude has like a gazillion dollars. You’d think he could spring for some butlers or something to keep up after us while we’re here. I know he's read these blogs and knows these people are straight crazy! We've got one lousy housekeeper (sorry Jeanette) to pick up after all of us. And the ways these guys party, that girl has her work cut out for her! And how about those network execs? Why don’t they spend some of that fat wad of cash they are making off of us, and hire some maid services? This is bogus. And what about this? A damn 20 room mansion and not a pool boy in sight. Whatever.

While at IHOP, Q and I started talking about the "show". I told him that I overheard some of the girls saying that they were pissed because the stupid network guys had us all sharing rooms when there was like 6 more unoccupied bedrooms. Which reminded me, "these walls are paper thin, so watch what you say, Q".

Squat should really consider soundproofing these rooms when he gets back. I can hear every damn thing everyone's talking about. Speaking of Squat, I can’t believe he bailed on this whole thing. Whatever. He obviously doesn’t need the money that we’re all gonna earn from this. You’re looking at the next Snooki right here baby. Shit, if she can get paid $10,000 to speak at a COLLEGE, you know I’m gonna get 20K when this is done. At least I can spell college.

We headed back to the mansion. "Q, I'm gonna go call home. Thanks for breakfast." Thankfully when I got to my room, Falen must've been outside smoking (or hiding in the bathroom), so I had a few minutes alone. Everyone is still thinking that I am going to flake out and head home soon. I can see it in their eyes. They’re banking on the whole homesick mommy thing. Little do they know that I’ve been in desperate need of a vacation alone for like 10 years now! I mean sure, I miss the hubs and my kids, but come on... I’m in a HUGE mansion (granted it’s in the middle of fucking nowhere, but it’s all good). I’ve got one guy bringing me shrimp cocktail all the time because he feels bad for talking me into this crap. My roommate Falen is always trashed so I'll be borrowing her stuff when she’s passed out. I’ve got it made. I get to spend late nights in deep conversation about the yin and yang of the universe with Alexandra. Seriously, it’s nice to talk to someone about something other than freakin’ iCarly.

I’m just holding my breath wondering how long I can fly under the radar with this whole homesick mommyblogger shtick? Sooner or later they’re gonna catch me partying in the hot tub with a bottle of tequila and a pack of Marlboro Reds after they all pass out. The best part is how they all think that the drinking and smoking annoys me. Right now the only thing that’s really annoying me is that snoring that comes from down the hall. I think it’s Brandon, but I can’t be too sure.

Wait... someone is coming....where’s my phone... dammit.... Ahh there it is....

Yes sweetie. Uh-huh. I know baby. Mommy loves you too buttercup. Now kiss your brother and sister for me and tell them how much I miss them. And don’t forget to tell Daddy I miss him too. I'll call you at bedtime. Uh-huh. Buh-Bye.

Whew! That was a close one... I really should actually call home one of these nights....

I don’t think anyone is going to catch on for a while. Half of them are too drunk to remember my name, and I’m pretty sure the other half just think I’m pathetic. The only one who knows what’s up is Squat. And I KNOW he’s not gonna out me. Ever since I threatened to send that video of him trying on Lynn’s underwear before he left, back to the little wifey in Barbados, I’ve got him riiiiight where I want him.

Now if I can just make sure no one catches me looking at the other Michelle’s boobs, we’ll be okay. I'm thinking of asking her if she wants to go shopping with me. Are there malls in Helena? I need a new bra. Maybe we can find a Victoria's Secret. Although with that girl, the secret is already out!

Shit, they're calling... I think Lynn said something about going on a "Montana style adventure" today. I'm scared....

And with that I give it to Michelle R. from Rantings of a Reckmonster. Be sure to head over and check out what she offers up. And make sure to follow all of the blogs involved so you can keep up on the show!